I Am Alive Again

It's Marlina Koh here
I haven't wrote anything real in this blog for sometimes now.
And this is going to be the longest damn story I will ever write in my blog. EVER.

The thing is, it is not that I don't want to write.

I have been sleep walking recently.

Kept in this state of a physiological coma.
Jailed in my own deluded fantasy.

Completely unable to activated my logical mind.

These are not excuses,
I was literally becoming this hateful person with a down syndrome of self loathing and totally unaware with the existence of my self-confidence.

A lot of my precious time has been wasted
and now I finally feel freedom when I wake up in the morning.

I'm still not sure what happened to me during the last 5 months.
The only thing I know is that I was in Love.

The most beautiful, amazing, euphoric feeling and yet the worst, most painful and suffocating as well.

Because for me, I see "Love" (the real thing) as a magical thing, and that my heart will give me a strong hint once I encounter it.

I trusted my feeling.
I have total faith in the beauty of Love.
I chose to believe they exist like in the movies, in the cartoons and story books. Where the main characters won the heart of their soul mates and then they get together and live happily ever after. Or Love simply be that kind of relationship where you see two old people still walk together with their hands holding each others. 

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And so..

I had this hint with this person... I was in Love.

The most amazing person I have ever met so far (my friends would all complained if they read this, you guys are amazing as well but u know what I meant!)

It was last year before Christmas.
2010.

Me and this person (lets say the name is M as in Mochi, the sticky cake stuff), we went on a dinner at the only well-known Italian Restaurant in the city with some other mutual friends.

I have adored M since a year back, it was early 2010 I suppose.
But hell! I was damn scared to approach or even ask our mutual friends to introduce us.
Maybe I was just scared of rejection.
I am a super shy person when it comes to this kind of thing you know.

But fortunately, around July I finally get to know M and since then we've been keeping in touch 'till recently. 

At that time when we were keeping in touch, I was collecting the hints and checking the chemistry between the two of us every time we meet or chat or whatever it was.
I finally decided to give it a go and try to race to M's heart (I b-l-o-o-d-y raced! Even conducting morally unjustified deed that I swore will never do again in my life. No matter how rotted the rival is. Justification is never going to be justified in this case. I broke the Bro-code of every bro-codes in the rule of brotherhood and sisterhood of the damned travelling pants).

Therefore,
That night is the start of everything.
The dinner went just perfectly for me.
And at that time with every fiber in my body I feel strongly that it was how things were supposed to be happening.

It wasn't because of the wine we had a little too much.

I was truly, madly, deeply falling faster for this person than a shooting star ever fell across the sky!

I felt the damn butterflies in my tummy every time our eyes met.

So from that December night onward we went out quite frequently. 2-3 times a week, sometimes 4 times a week.
I felt so damn happy.
Like I just found out what happiness was!
I swore I could even hear *Savage Garden's I Knew I Loved You Before I Met You* at the back of my head.

Then, we celebrated Valentine's Day together. Not really on the exact day though.. M was so busy on 14th that we celebrated it on 15th. But whatever, we celebrated it.

Me + M + whatever we do together even just sitting in the car = I get into state of Euphoria.

The only person I think about when I woke up, the only person I think about when I fall asleep.
The only person I feel like I wanna grow old with.
I can even picturing M getting old and not grossed out.
I had no idea WHY!

But then..
LOL!! ROTFL!

I think the whole beautiful feelings and moments were not mutually felt. I might be the only person feeling excited about the whole thing. Maybe M was just bored or I was just this puppy to be played around with and then returned to the pet store without realizing this puppy could die from a broken heart.

Apparently, M has been in touch with someone else too.
They are together now. M and this person.
I know it is the same person.
God told me.
I'm joking, I don't speak to God.
Not directly though. (I believe in you God)
It was the same person that M cancelled our weekend for (couple of weeks after Valentine) and innocently or cunningly lied to me saying it was a business meeting (for real? On Friday and Saturday? Dinnertime? Just the two of them? Business Meeting in a Restaurant? I've dated terrible people before but it really was a lame excuse and an insult to common sense).

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And so around the beginning of March after silent treating and ignoring me for days. After I begged around (yea, no shame here) M told me that we should stop seeing each other and there is no future with us.
And just like that M left.
I begged.. yeah, believing we were meant to be.
I begged, believing it would change a thing..
But no, I wasn't worthy enough perhaps.
Not a  billionaire certainly not a saint, nothing major.
Not Yet.

I remember among my begs:
At one time she replied me with:
"Whatever"
And because I was so shocked with that unfeeling reply, I wrote, "WTF? Whatever?"
And M said I cursed -,,,,- and that I was rude.
And ignore me further more.
Omg.
How on earth ? Who was the rude one?
Geez.
I still have the history of our entire conversations, maybe one day when I read them again I can laugh at it and just shrug it off.

I don't know what to say anymore. All I know, I have to protect myself from further humiliation. So to stop myself from continuing the pathetic attempt and begging, I deleted every contact with M and our mutual friends.

Actually the option to just be friends was on the table.
But hell no, I can't just be friends!
Who in the world can after such memories???

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So.. yeah, it went just like that.
Everything felt like a beautiful dream, alas a rather uncalled attitude at the end.

It was so damn hard at the beginning. I was suffering so bad from the memories.

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Hey M, 


If you came across this or maybe not...


You have been hurt before and you must have known how heartache feels.
I thought I could never live without you.
I don't know why you do this to me, I don't care either.
These 5 months not seeing you or talking to you was one of the heaviest thing I have ever done in my life.

But I come to terms now.
I find it in my heart to finally let go of hope, let go of the possibility ever to go back to the moment in the past.

I understand completely with the reality of things will never go back to the way it was.

I heard that you are happy and that person seems like a good one..

So you be good. Be happy.

That's all that matters.

Happy Birthday.

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For family and friends who accompany me through this hard times..

Whether it's small matters or other problems I might have had in the past.

Or you might not even have a single idea but choose to stick around.

These 5 months I might be sultry and in bad mood or sometimes can be a hard ass to deal with.

I'm sorry and Thank You for being the best kind of people around and listen to my thoughts and feelings.

And for those who clearly knew how crushed I was but was nowhere....

Thank You too for showing your true colors :) 

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I am Alive Again finally. 

Recharged. 

Filled with Positive energy.

This is yet another momentum just like in the past,

Things only gets better from here on.

They always do

God Speed.